Letting go

When I was sitting thinking for an hour I realised that I have to let go of all the negativity towards a source, all the anger and resentment I feel. The only person it hurts is me. It doesn’t serve me. Being hurt with people doesn’t help me. Or bring me the knowledge and connection I want, crave, and need. The only way to get it is to let go. Which is when I wrote this song – at the end of an hour sitting on a table in a park with nothing but my unopened journal.

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I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go)

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They hurt me

They did their best

They hurt me

They made a mess

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I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go)

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I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go)

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Carrying this pain around

Drags me down, down, down

Carrying it with me

Stops me going to town, town, town

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I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go go go go go)

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I need to let it go

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They tried

They acted on their beliefs

They tried

They didn’t care about me

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I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go)

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One day, one day

They may, or may not know

One day, one day

They may, or may not

Find a better way

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I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go)

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Let it go

So that I can be free

Let it go

So that I can be me

Let it go

So I will just be

Let it go

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I need to let it go, let it go

Let it go, let it go

Let it go, let it go

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Let. It. Go

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One day. One day. One day.

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Let. It. Go.

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I need to let it go, let it go

Let it go, let it go

Let it go (let it go).

Fitting in vs Belonging (Brene Brown)

It’s difficult for me to imagine now, but at one time, I had an unreasonable aversion to reading anything written by author Brene Brown. I don’t know how it began. Actually, I do. A friend suggested I read a book written by Ms. Brown. I thought said friend was subtly suggesting I needed to work […]

Three Cheers For True Belonging

This post explains the difference between fitting in and belonging. It reminds me of the culture I grew up in.

I don’t think that is what Judaism is. There are cultures within Judaism that aren’t as right wing. In the culture I grew up in, you have a dress a certain way, talk a certain way… that doesn’t take away any of the beauty. I know if I leave Judaism any of the ‘friends’ from the school I went to wouldn’t be my friends.

It isn’t Judaism. I work with some people where individuality is celebrated. It’s the culture’s and sub cultures in Judaism. And this post just highlights what exactly bothers me so much about the culture I grew up in. The cult within the culture.

Two Way Prayer – 6th May 2020

Infinity, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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How can I make this day the best day possible?

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By being. Knowing you’re tired from no sleep and pausing before responding.
Just being.

Live. Laugh. Love.

Enjoy your family. You don’t know how long they will all be here for.
Enjoy the sunshine you’ve been blessed with. Smile., laugh, see the humour.

Give xxx your time. Help her see that you’re giving her time so that she will feel loved.

Just be.

There are no rights or wrongs. Well, some of the choice you’re making (re not eating enough) veer closely to the wrong, but they’re not ‘wrong’ as in to be guilt inducing. They’re lessons to learn from. What to do different next time so you don’t head here again. And, if you do, that’s okay too.
Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the journey you’re on. You’re blessed to be here. A few years ago you’d never have thought it were possible to be okay living in a world. To spend time every day – or almost – in nature.

You’re blessed . Enjoy your blessing.
You can only do your part for G. And you are doing your part. When you didn’t give to her because you didn’t think it would be good for you, you made a wise choice. You were looking after yourself. You are giving her all that you can. You’re there for her. She knows you are. You’re helping raise funds for her, as much as you can. More isn’t your responsibility. You can’t raise from anyone if it will hurt others. There are never any ‘right’ choices. There are choices. And you learn from every choice. You use the rocks to climb over. Or get back up if you trip. It’s a learning game.

Every choice you make teaches you something about yourself. About what you want and what you don’t want. Every choice, you either form yourself based on it, or discard. Just is. You just are. And it’s all good.

5th May 2020 – Two Way Prayer

Infinity, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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Today I want to be the best person I can be.

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Being your best person doesn’t always mean doing what you think you should, for it has to align with others, too. You can only be your best if it brings love to others. Not always. Sometimes your reality will hurt others, and as much as that hurts you, it is not your responsibility. When you need others to do things, like needing someone’s laptop to study, you can’t use it at her expense so you can’t study, even if being your best person would mean to study.

You’re beautiful just the way you are

Today is about just today. Not about making any life decisions. Just being in the day here and now.

I should take xxx for a drive.

4th May 2020 – Two Way Prayer – you are beautiful just the way you are.

Infinity, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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I don’t have a specific intention. But to just be. To tune in. If anything comes up, it does, and we will see what is.

Maybe I can start running again. See if it does/doesn’t hurt my knee. If it does, stop. If it doesn’t, continue.

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Just be. There are no rights or wrongs. Every choice leads you down a path. Every moment you are choosing where to walk. You can’t really walk two different paths at the same time. It just isn’t possible. It’s either love, or hate. Either self care or self destruction. (this is addressed to the decision made to stop eating).

What about if it’s both paths?

Then it is both. At some point you will have to choose which path you will stay on. You can walk both paths for a while, not for eternity.

So I shouldn’t try to lose weight?

That’s a choice only you can make.Sometimes love is twisted, and what looks like love is hate. What looks like self care is self destruction. Only you can choose which path to walk. I know how hard you’ll find it to decide not to lose weight. To eat enough. To try leave the eating disordered mindset. The longer you stay with the mindset, the harder it will be to leave it. Again, that is a choice only you can make.

I want to stop eating.

I know. You’re allowed to want anything you want. You’re loved. You’re worthy. Of everything.

What if I’m not?

You are. You’re perfect as you are. You’re perfection. You’re unity. You’re everything good.

I don’t believe it.

I know. But one day you will. And you’ll tell others who don’t know who or what they are how beautiful and worth it they are. Just coz’ they exist. Just coz’ you exist.

You are loved. Regardless of what you choose. Regardless whether you act with love to yourself or not.
You are not guilty. You are human. You make choices. You make decisions. You choose what you think is best (or know isn’t). You make choices and every choice you make teaches you about the choice. Every decision you make teaches you the ramifications of that choice/decision. And you learn from your actions. You learn from your thoughts. You learn from your emotions/feelings that you think doesn’t exist. You learn for the next time.

You learn what you will do. You learn what you won’t do. There is no failure. There is no space for guilt. You are worth and beautiful, not guilty. You are not guilty for living. You are not guilty for putting yourself first. You are not guilty even if you don’t eat. You just are. And you’re beautiful. Just as you are.

Two Way Prayer – 3rd May 2020

Infinity grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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Intention: try tune in although surrounded by people. Someone send me a pain filled angry ranting comment on one of my posts. It’s still pending. I don’t know whether to ignore or reply by email or on here.

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Tuning in is a gift. Giving to others is connection in the best way. Even if it’s frustrating and annoying.

Ignore the comment. It hurts to leave it when someone is so obviously hurting. It hurts to ignore when you see someone is in pain. There was so much vitriol in that comment, and it made no sense at all. Who ever the guy is he was ranting at someone who he thinks is you or he doesn’t even think it’s you. You don’t need to know what his thoughts were. You can’t heal or save the world. You can’t change everyone. You can’t help everyone. You don’t have the emotional energy to engage with or help this guy. His comment hurt you even though it so obviously wasn’t addressed to you. You don’t need to open yourself to more hurt and pain. You won’t get anything by replying. Maybe you can approve and let others respond. Or don’t. But don’t engage yourself. You’re worth more than that. You deserve love and care. Your love, light and glitter is real regardless of what anon commenter said. Your sunshine is true. You are not darkness or poison. You’re awesome and love. You are beautiful just the way you are. That applies to weight too. You are beautiful and don’t need to lose weight. You don’t need to change anything at all. You don’t need control. You are beautiful and you are worth it.

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Love, light and glitter

Two Way Prayer – 30th April 2020

I planned on going outside but I’m still on my bed, so… any place is the perfect place to tune in 🙂

Infinity, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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Intention: to tune in and let it lead me.

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You’re letting go of some of the responsibility that isn’t yours. Still taking some. Trying to change that which isn’t your too. There is no one right way. There is the best/safest way for you. When it’s a choice you can make, not what you feel you have to do.

You are awesome and worth it and so very enough. Just as you are.

Let it go. You are. Some. You’re letting some of the toxicity roll off you. Some, lots, you have to let go. Engaging or explaining it to others won’t help you. Though it’ll help you build your relationship with them so has its benefits.

Love. And know you are love. Trust. And know you are trustworthy. Give. Know that you are given to. Hope. Live. Laugh. Enjoy. Relax. And love every moment of the journey.

Two Way Prayer – 28th April 2020

Infinity, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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Intention: I really want to study today. Plus I’m not sure what to do about work.

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Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. You are trying to find out about work. You are doing your part. You will keep trying. You can’t do more and it’s not your responsibility.

Just get moving! It doesn’t help to want something. You actually have to do it. Wanting gets you nowhere. Doing gets you somewhere. So get doing. Until you actually do it, do you really want to? Or are you just saying you want it?

Two Way Prayer – 27th April 2020

Infinity, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know that I am not in control.

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Intention: I don’t know the right thing to do with AG. I feel stuck because she really needs me. I don’t know where the boundaries lie or whether I should or shouldn’t give to her.

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E, there’s never any one right thing. There’s only the best choice in the moment. Should you give to her? She needs you to. You aren’t going to take over. You made it clear that what she wanted yesterday you would give if you could discuss it with her therapist. She’s not wrong to have said no. You’re not wrong to have said no. She wants to spend time with you. You can do so. As long as you keep to the socially distancing rules.

Will you be giving up things? Yup. You’re allowed to give beyond yourself. So long as you keep to your boundaries. I know you don’t know what they are. And that’s okay. Trust yourself. Trust your I tuition. You know when something is okay for you. You knew it wouldn’t be okay for her to sleep by you. Because she is asking for things that aren’t healthy you aren’t sure about the things that are okay.

You can give the things that are okay for you to. Helping her look for a number. Spending time with her. Are healthy things for a friend to do. Just keep to friend activities and you will be okay. You are okay. She will be okay.

It’s okay if you make the wrong choices. That is how you learn….

Love, light, and glitter

Two Way Prayer – Sunday 26th April 2020

Infinity, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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Intention: There are so many pictures, associations, memories around people and periods of time that are negative, just make me sad to think about, and have played a large part in all I have to let go of to be able to look at judaism and see whether it itself is something I want in my life. I don’t know whether it’s helpful or anything but to think about it. Or how to let it all go.

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E, there are 2 kinds of thinking about things. There’s processing so you can move on, then there’s wallowing, hurting for no reason, when thinking about it hurts and won’t help you at all. If you write about it, it’s good for you, you can always stop if it’s not, otherwise remembering just hurts.

How do you let it all go? You don’t need to let it all go before moving on. The letting go is letting go of the pain. Letting go of what Judaism did to your life. Letting go and separating Judaism from the people and circumstances. It’s not Judaism itself that hurt you. Judaism is philosophy. It’s people who misuse and create a religion and culture that in many ways can contravene Judaism itself. It’s people who see it as a box that has to be made smaller and smaller.

Letting go isn’t easy. There’s 2 different things that have to happen here. You have to process what hurt you. Even as you think nothing really happened so you shouldn’t have been hurt. You have to process and accept your experiences for what they were. You’ve never expressed how much you hated seminary. There’s the point. That being a misfit and outcast has nothing to do with religion. And you have to separate the two. You have to separate Judaism from the religious institutions you attended. You have to separate Judaism from your experiences with religion, and with a culture that felt very cult like.

As you know, it works for some people. Because it’s wrong for you doesn’t make it wrong for them. It’s wrong for them to think you are wrong if you don’t live exactly the way they do. It’s not wrong for them to feel the way they do.

Life is a journey. It’s not going to be easy to let it go. First you’ll have to experience it and process it. And you don’t necessarily have to do that now. You can see what you can separate first.

You’re not alone. You can always tune in to reality. You can appreciate the good things. Enjoy the time – which you are doing. Just breathe. Just be.

Also, accept your experiences as your reality. Don’t judge yourself for hurting over what you think shouldn’t hurt. Don’t think about it. Just be with it. Let whatever arises come, whatever doesn’t stay away. Just because you think it shouldn’t make a difference, you’re okay if it does. You wouldn’t judge someone else’s experiences. You would tell them that whatever they felt was what went on for them. Give yourself the same courtesy. Give yourself the same respect and love. You deserve it.

Whatever will be, will be. Trust yourself. You know and have all the answers within yourself.

You are loved.