Yom Kippur – Day Of Atonement

Yom kippur. It’s Yom Kippur tomorrow night.

A few months ago I realised that I wanted to leave home to be able to live without the culture I grew up in. When I cut off emotionally from religion, wrong words, when I made that choice, that I wasn’t living with religion, my relationship with Judaism has in turn shifted. I never worked through what I believed about Judaism – as in whether it’s true or not, because there is way too much emotion tied in. Way too much pain, hurt, and anger. I knew, know, I have to leave this culture. Choosing to leave the culture, even though at the moment I don’t see a way to physically leave, has given me space to see Judaism without ‘religion’.

What I grew up with, although there really is and was so much beauty, isn’t Judaism.

A friend came over today and told me she was upset she couldn’t fast on Yom Kippur. She really will be fasting. She will be eating a few morsels of food in order to take steroids. it made me want to scream. That she felt she wasn’t celebrating the day. So I gave her the jewish view. The jewish view with Hebrew explanations even though I keep away as much as possible from Hebrew.

Yom kippur is a day of – what does it mean? I asked her what the day is about. It’s about teshuvah (translated incorrectly as repentance). Teshuvah comes from the root word shiv, which means to return. To return where? To return to what? To return to yourself.

Mitzvah – mostly translated as commandments – comes from the root word tzav, connection.

First sharing the images I uploaded before beginning to write this.

Day of Atonement- Cultural religious view: Repentance, guilt, forgiveness, more guilt, commitment, more guilt. Jewish view – teshuvah – shuv – return. Return to what? To yourself. To who you really are. To the source.


What is this world? This world is finite amongst infinity. The finite means that it has to be a reflection of infinity. So if you are believing that Judaism is truth, then what you are saying is that the infinite has put down some facts about infinity, and tells the finite what the infinite is. So following what the infinite is makes you infinite. Or in god words (I just hate the word god because it has religious connotations), god is saying this is what makes you god like. So the rules of Judaism, if judaism is true, is what god says is the way to connect. So about fasting. God says fasting on yom kippur will bring you connection to me. So when my friend can’t fast in the usual way since she has to eat with the steroids (that she’s taking die to covid after effect complications), she is connecting to god through eating.

Which is what I basically said to her.

And it makes me so frustrated when jewish people look at the world through the lens of religion, rather than the lens of judaism.

So it’s Yom Kippur tomorrow night.

No, I’m not fasting. I wouldn’t be fasting either way as fasting would be one of the worst things possible for me. I don’t care about the religious aspect. The word religion bothers me so much. So move on because that isn’t for now.

Yom Kippur. I’m Jewish. Whether I do or don’t believe the bible to be Truth, I’m Jewish. What does this day mean to me? What will this day mean to me?

I doubt I’ll be writing about it on YK, which is in however many hours time, so the time is now. To decide what it means to me. To understand what it means to me.

Yom Kippur. I think it’s just about connection. Not through anything. Just through existing. Every moment of choosing life is choosing choice, is choosing a source, is choosing connection, is choosing to be. Every moment of living through Yom Kippur is a choice to connect to infinity.

Yom Kippur. Kippur means cleansing. Which really means going from one place to another.

So in many ways, what Yom Kippur really is is choosing life. I know not for others. But talking about for myself here.

Something I was thinking. I don’t pray. I don’t believe in ‘prayer’ in the typical sense. Were I to pray, I’d definitely pray for death. If I’d believe in Judaism then there is no point in me doing anything to end it. For if I’m meant to live, I will survive anything I do. If I’m not meant to, I won’t either way. Which I don’t think I mind.

Yom Kippur. I think the day is one of choosing life.

RH thoughts. Happy new year…

I wanted to journal. But I’m on my phone. And this will happen more likely…

It’s rosh hashanah – the head, start, of the year. It’s the jewish new year tonight.

I wrote myself a letter. Which I planned on typing out.

This blog is not anonymous, so why am I sharing this? I wrote a list of where I want to be in a year. And what has changed this past year.

I didn’t write any practical things. For example I want to be studying in a year. And for example I am destroying myself. I wanted it all to be doable. It’s non comprehensive.

I don’t know what I wrote on here about my thoughts about Judaism.

A few months ago I realised I had to move out of home. That I’m living in a culture that harms me to live with. It’s a religion. It’s about rules. That has harmed me. Since then though, I’ve disconnected from the religion. Which means I can see Judaism for what it is. I don’t honestly care either way where I’ll land up with Judaism. It’s one of the areas of my life that I’m living with acceptance of where I’m at and curiosity of where I will land up. I don’t know what I believe and I don’t need to know. Wrong. I know what I believe. I don’t know whether I think Judaism is true and it’s not on my radar. I’m seeing so much beauty. So much gorgeousness. Someone replied to my BDE post – very religious. I laughed in my head. It’s not religious. It’s jewish. Judaism and religion are 2 such different things. It’s as I once wrote about the cult within the culture. It’s a post I passworded because I didn’t want to be spreading so much negativity. I grew up in a cult like culture. And the more I see of the world, the more I see that it’s within almost every culture. Which makes me so sad. Religion to me is synonymous with the cult like culture.

I hate hate hate all the negativity. It saddens me. When my friends beat themselves up. Even look at the hebrew words. TeShuva. The return. The connection. It’s not about repentance. It’s about connection. It’s not about guilt. There’s the AND I’ve been talking about a lot as I try to live with and apply it. Knowing and accepting where I am. Wanting and moving towards something different. I don’t mean don’t feel bad about it. But not ashamed. Not the core essence guilt.

When I have sat in religious classes with my student I wanted to get up and scream. Stop teaching the girls that! There is no reason for shame. Love. Connect. Grow. Be.

This is none of my thoughts. I don’t really know what thoughts I have. I overthink everything but I don’t actually feel anything much either way towards Rosh hashanah. It’s not a time I’m connecting with. I know I am because I wrote up those lists. I see it aa a new year. I see it as a new chapter. There’s not much emotional involvement. I think those are good words to describe it.

Planned on writing more but it’s RH now. And I plan on ‘keeping’ to the ‘rules’ in my way. Staying off my phone as much as possible. I will journal if journaling is good for me. Listen to mindfulness practices. Will see what is. I have no plans and no expectations. I have photos to put into albums (I’ll probably be looking through my phone to help with that). A friend will be coming over tomorrow probably when her husband has a chavruta with my neighbour. I may go over to a different friends house depending on how I feel. I’ve been dizzy ish and she’s 10 minutes walk away. If I’m not at all dizzy, maybe.

Going to leave off with what R’ R said about shofar. That there is the tekiya – wholeness. Shevarim is 3 bits. Teruah is when it’s blown in broken pieces. Then you end with a tekiya, a long blow. You rebuild. Put the pieces together.

In the last few months I’ve pretty literally shattered a lot of my world into pieces. I never thought I’d find myself living with such self destruction. Yet I have been. Yet I’m still here. I wouldn’t say I’ve come through to the other side. Because my actions are still self destructive. But it’s not in the same way it was. And I guess the message is one of hope. Of rebuilding.

This time of year in Judaism is meant to be one of connection. I’ve been working on tuning into the consciousness of the world and my inner consciousness. Will I reflect on it over the jewish new year? Probably not. Not consciously or intentionally. I think way too much as it is. And I guess we’ll actually find out.

I wrote the following for a friend.

Happy new year! May this year bring sunshine and sparkles. Thank you for joining me on this journey… and in some sense I’m looking forward to see where this path will lead (the AND. I’m dreading it and really looking forward).


Baruch dayan ha-emet. Blessed is a judge of truth. Funny how I’m okay with the Hebrew words, and appreciate the meaning and depth of them when I hate the culture I grew up in and don’t count myself as religious at all.

Blessed. As in honoured. As in known. There is truth and justice. The source and energy behind the world knew that the energy of my uncle was better off not in the world that we see. The energy is there. My uncles energy is still here. His consciousness. Not his body. Now more connected to the energy of infinity.
It doesn’t hurt because it hurts (too much for it to hurt just yet). There is just nothing to say. Nothing to write. So I’m not going to try. It’s just being. With completely not knowing what to do with myself.

My father will be sitting for a week. A few months ago he did for his eldest sister. I miss Aunt B. It hurts to see her number on my phone. I want to live in their honour. And I don’t want my father to have to sit a third time.

I never knew Uncle A. In a sense I’m actually grateful for that. I knew his daughters a tad but not much.

BDE. There is truth. There is justice. We’re living connected to a source and part of it. That’s what those words mean to me.


Letting go

When I was sitting thinking for an hour I realised that I have to let go of all the negativity towards a source, all the anger and resentment I feel. The only person it hurts is me. It doesn’t serve me. Being hurt with people doesn’t help me. Or bring me the knowledge and connection I want, crave, and need. The only way to get it is to let go. Which is when I wrote this song – at the end of an hour sitting on a table in a park with nothing but my unopened journal.

I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go)

They hurt me

They did their best

They hurt me

They made a mess

I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go)

I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go)

Carrying this pain around

Drags me down, down, down

Carrying it with me

Stops me going to town, town, town

I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go go go go go)

I need to let it go

They tried

They acted on their beliefs

They tried

They didn’t care about me

I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go)

One day, one day

They may, or may not know

One day, one day

They may, or may not

Find a better way

I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go)

Let it go

So that I can be free

Let it go

So that I can be me

Let it go

So I will just be

Let it go

I need to let it go, let it go

Let it go, let it go

Let it go, let it go

Let. It. Go

One day. One day. One day.

Let. It. Go.

I need to let it go, let it go

Let it go, let it go

Let it go (let it go).

Fitting in vs Belonging (Brene Brown)

It’s difficult for me to imagine now, but at one time, I had an unreasonable aversion to reading anything written by author Brene Brown. I don’t know how it began. Actually, I do. A friend suggested I read a book written by Ms. Brown. I thought said friend was subtly suggesting I needed to work […]

Three Cheers For True Belonging

This post explains the difference between fitting in and belonging. It reminds me of the culture I grew up in.

I don’t think that is what Judaism is. There are cultures within Judaism that aren’t as right wing. In the culture I grew up in, you have a dress a certain way, talk a certain way… that doesn’t take away any of the beauty. I know if I leave Judaism any of the ‘friends’ from the school I went to wouldn’t be my friends.

It isn’t Judaism. I work with some people where individuality is celebrated. It’s the culture’s and sub cultures in Judaism. And this post just highlights what exactly bothers me so much about the culture I grew up in. The cult within the culture.

Two Way Prayer – 6th May 2020

Infinity, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

How can I make this day the best day possible?

By being. Knowing you’re tired from no sleep and pausing before responding.
Just being.

Live. Laugh. Love.

Enjoy your family. You don’t know how long they will all be here for.
Enjoy the sunshine you’ve been blessed with. Smile., laugh, see the humour.

Give xxx your time. Help her see that you’re giving her time so that she will feel loved.

Just be.

There are no rights or wrongs. Well, some of the choice you’re making (re not eating enough) veer closely to the wrong, but they’re not ‘wrong’ as in to be guilt inducing. They’re lessons to learn from. What to do different next time so you don’t head here again. And, if you do, that’s okay too.
Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the journey you’re on. You’re blessed to be here. A few years ago you’d never have thought it were possible to be okay living in a world. To spend time every day – or almost – in nature.

You’re blessed . Enjoy your blessing.
You can only do your part for G. And you are doing your part. When you didn’t give to her because you didn’t think it would be good for you, you made a wise choice. You were looking after yourself. You are giving her all that you can. You’re there for her. She knows you are. You’re helping raise funds for her, as much as you can. More isn’t your responsibility. You can’t raise from anyone if it will hurt others. There are never any ‘right’ choices. There are choices. And you learn from every choice. You use the rocks to climb over. Or get back up if you trip. It’s a learning game.

Every choice you make teaches you something about yourself. About what you want and what you don’t want. Every choice, you either form yourself based on it, or discard. Just is. You just are. And it’s all good.

5th May 2020 – Two Way Prayer

Infinity, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Today I want to be the best person I can be.

Being your best person doesn’t always mean doing what you think you should, for it has to align with others, too. You can only be your best if it brings love to others. Not always. Sometimes your reality will hurt others, and as much as that hurts you, it is not your responsibility. When you need others to do things, like needing someone’s laptop to study, you can’t use it at her expense so you can’t study, even if being your best person would mean to study.

You’re beautiful just the way you are

Today is about just today. Not about making any life decisions. Just being in the day here and now.

I should take xxx for a drive.

4th May 2020 – Two Way Prayer – you are beautiful just the way you are.

Infinity, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I don’t have a specific intention. But to just be. To tune in. If anything comes up, it does, and we will see what is.

Maybe I can start running again. See if it does/doesn’t hurt my knee. If it does, stop. If it doesn’t, continue.

Just be. There are no rights or wrongs. Every choice leads you down a path. Every moment you are choosing where to walk. You can’t really walk two different paths at the same time. It just isn’t possible. It’s either love, or hate. Either self care or self destruction. (this is addressed to the decision made to stop eating).

What about if it’s both paths?

Then it is both. At some point you will have to choose which path you will stay on. You can walk both paths for a while, not for eternity.

So I shouldn’t try to lose weight?

That’s a choice only you can make.Sometimes love is twisted, and what looks like love is hate. What looks like self care is self destruction. Only you can choose which path to walk. I know how hard you’ll find it to decide not to lose weight. To eat enough. To try leave the eating disordered mindset. The longer you stay with the mindset, the harder it will be to leave it. Again, that is a choice only you can make.

I want to stop eating.

I know. You’re allowed to want anything you want. You’re loved. You’re worthy. Of everything.

What if I’m not?

You are. You’re perfect as you are. You’re perfection. You’re unity. You’re everything good.

I don’t believe it.

I know. But one day you will. And you’ll tell others who don’t know who or what they are how beautiful and worth it they are. Just coz’ they exist. Just coz’ you exist.

You are loved. Regardless of what you choose. Regardless whether you act with love to yourself or not.
You are not guilty. You are human. You make choices. You make decisions. You choose what you think is best (or know isn’t). You make choices and every choice you make teaches you about the choice. Every decision you make teaches you the ramifications of that choice/decision. And you learn from your actions. You learn from your thoughts. You learn from your emotions/feelings that you think doesn’t exist. You learn for the next time.

You learn what you will do. You learn what you won’t do. There is no failure. There is no space for guilt. You are worth and beautiful, not guilty. You are not guilty for living. You are not guilty for putting yourself first. You are not guilty even if you don’t eat. You just are. And you’re beautiful. Just as you are.

Continue reading “4th May 2020 – Two Way Prayer – you are beautiful just the way you are.”

Two Way Prayer – 3rd May 2020

Infinity grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Intention: try tune in although surrounded by people. Someone send me a pain filled angry ranting comment on one of my posts. It’s still pending. I don’t know whether to ignore or reply by email or on here.

Tuning in is a gift. Giving to others is connection in the best way. Even if it’s frustrating and annoying.

Ignore the comment. It hurts to leave it when someone is so obviously hurting. It hurts to ignore when you see someone is in pain. There was so much vitriol in that comment, and it made no sense at all. Who ever the guy is he was ranting at someone who he thinks is you or he doesn’t even think it’s you. You don’t need to know what his thoughts were. You can’t heal or save the world. You can’t change everyone. You can’t help everyone. You don’t have the emotional energy to engage with or help this guy. His comment hurt you even though it so obviously wasn’t addressed to you. You don’t need to open yourself to more hurt and pain. You won’t get anything by replying. Maybe you can approve and let others respond. Or don’t. But don’t engage yourself. You’re worth more than that. You deserve love and care. Your love, light and glitter is real regardless of what anon commenter said. Your sunshine is true. You are not darkness or poison. You’re awesome and love. You are beautiful just the way you are. That applies to weight too. You are beautiful and don’t need to lose weight. You don’t need to change anything at all. You don’t need control. You are beautiful and you are worth it.

Love, light and glitter

Two Way Prayer – 30th April 2020

I planned on going outside but I’m still on my bed, so… any place is the perfect place to tune in 🙂

Infinity, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Intention: to tune in and let it lead me.

You’re letting go of some of the responsibility that isn’t yours. Still taking some. Trying to change that which isn’t your too. There is no one right way. There is the best/safest way for you. When it’s a choice you can make, not what you feel you have to do.

You are awesome and worth it and so very enough. Just as you are.

Let it go. You are. Some. You’re letting some of the toxicity roll off you. Some, lots, you have to let go. Engaging or explaining it to others won’t help you. Though it’ll help you build your relationship with them so has its benefits.

Love. And know you are love. Trust. And know you are trustworthy. Give. Know that you are given to. Hope. Live. Laugh. Enjoy. Relax. And love every moment of the journey.