Yom Kippur – Day Of Atonement

Yom kippur. It’s Yom Kippur tomorrow night.

A few months ago I realised that I wanted to leave home to be able to live without the culture I grew up in. When I cut off emotionally from religion, wrong words, when I made that choice, that I wasn’t living with religion, my relationship with Judaism has in turn shifted. I never worked through what I believed about Judaism – as in whether it’s true or not, because there is way too much emotion tied in. Way too much pain, hurt, and anger. I knew, know, I have to leave this culture. Choosing to leave the culture, even though at the moment I don’t see a way to physically leave, has given me space to see Judaism without ‘religion’.

What I grew up with, although there really is and was so much beauty, isn’t Judaism.

A friend came over today and told me she was upset she couldn’t fast on Yom Kippur. She really will be fasting. She will be eating a few morsels of food in order to take steroids. it made me want to scream. That she felt she wasn’t celebrating the day. So I gave her the jewish view. The jewish view with Hebrew explanations even though I keep away as much as possible from Hebrew.

Yom kippur is a day of – what does it mean? I asked her what the day is about. It’s about teshuvah (translated incorrectly as repentance). Teshuvah comes from the root word shiv, which means to return. To return where? To return to what? To return to yourself.

Mitzvah – mostly translated as commandments – comes from the root word tzav, connection.

First sharing the images I uploaded before beginning to write this.

Day of Atonement- Cultural religious view: Repentance, guilt, forgiveness, more guilt, commitment, more guilt. Jewish view – teshuvah – shuv – return. Return to what? To yourself. To who you really are. To the source.

Return.

What is this world? This world is finite amongst infinity. The finite means that it has to be a reflection of infinity. So if you are believing that Judaism is truth, then what you are saying is that the infinite has put down some facts about infinity, and tells the finite what the infinite is. So following what the infinite is makes you infinite. Or in god words (I just hate the word god because it has religious connotations), god is saying this is what makes you god like. So the rules of Judaism, if judaism is true, is what god says is the way to connect. So about fasting. God says fasting on yom kippur will bring you connection to me. So when my friend can’t fast in the usual way since she has to eat with the steroids (that she’s taking die to covid after effect complications), she is connecting to god through eating.

Which is what I basically said to her.

And it makes me so frustrated when jewish people look at the world through the lens of religion, rather than the lens of judaism.

So it’s Yom Kippur tomorrow night.

No, I’m not fasting. I wouldn’t be fasting either way as fasting would be one of the worst things possible for me. I don’t care about the religious aspect. The word religion bothers me so much. So move on because that isn’t for now.

Yom Kippur. I’m Jewish. Whether I do or don’t believe the bible to be Truth, I’m Jewish. What does this day mean to me? What will this day mean to me?

I doubt I’ll be writing about it on YK, which is in however many hours time, so the time is now. To decide what it means to me. To understand what it means to me.

Yom Kippur. I think it’s just about connection. Not through anything. Just through existing. Every moment of choosing life is choosing choice, is choosing a source, is choosing connection, is choosing to be. Every moment of living through Yom Kippur is a choice to connect to infinity.

Yom Kippur. Kippur means cleansing. Which really means going from one place to another.

So in many ways, what Yom Kippur really is is choosing life. I know not for others. But talking about for myself here.

Something I was thinking. I don’t pray. I don’t believe in ‘prayer’ in the typical sense. Were I to pray, I’d definitely pray for death. If I’d believe in Judaism then there is no point in me doing anything to end it. For if I’m meant to live, I will survive anything I do. If I’m not meant to, I won’t either way. Which I don’t think I mind.

Yom Kippur. I think the day is one of choosing life.

RH thoughts. Happy new year…

I wanted to journal. But I’m on my phone. And this will happen more likely…

It’s rosh hashanah – the head, start, of the year. It’s the jewish new year tonight.

I wrote myself a letter. Which I planned on typing out.

This blog is not anonymous, so why am I sharing this? I wrote a list of where I want to be in a year. And what has changed this past year.

I didn’t write any practical things. For example I want to be studying in a year. And for example I am destroying myself. I wanted it all to be doable. It’s non comprehensive.

I don’t know what I wrote on here about my thoughts about Judaism.

A few months ago I realised I had to move out of home. That I’m living in a culture that harms me to live with. It’s a religion. It’s about rules. That has harmed me. Since then though, I’ve disconnected from the religion. Which means I can see Judaism for what it is. I don’t honestly care either way where I’ll land up with Judaism. It’s one of the areas of my life that I’m living with acceptance of where I’m at and curiosity of where I will land up. I don’t know what I believe and I don’t need to know. Wrong. I know what I believe. I don’t know whether I think Judaism is true and it’s not on my radar. I’m seeing so much beauty. So much gorgeousness. Someone replied to my BDE post – very religious. I laughed in my head. It’s not religious. It’s jewish. Judaism and religion are 2 such different things. It’s as I once wrote about the cult within the culture. It’s a post I passworded because I didn’t want to be spreading so much negativity. I grew up in a cult like culture. And the more I see of the world, the more I see that it’s within almost every culture. Which makes me so sad. Religion to me is synonymous with the cult like culture.

I hate hate hate all the negativity. It saddens me. When my friends beat themselves up. Even look at the hebrew words. TeShuva. The return. The connection. It’s not about repentance. It’s about connection. It’s not about guilt. There’s the AND I’ve been talking about a lot as I try to live with and apply it. Knowing and accepting where I am. Wanting and moving towards something different. I don’t mean don’t feel bad about it. But not ashamed. Not the core essence guilt.

When I have sat in religious classes with my student I wanted to get up and scream. Stop teaching the girls that! There is no reason for shame. Love. Connect. Grow. Be.

This is none of my thoughts. I don’t really know what thoughts I have. I overthink everything but I don’t actually feel anything much either way towards Rosh hashanah. It’s not a time I’m connecting with. I know I am because I wrote up those lists. I see it aa a new year. I see it as a new chapter. There’s not much emotional involvement. I think those are good words to describe it.

Planned on writing more but it’s RH now. And I plan on ‘keeping’ to the ‘rules’ in my way. Staying off my phone as much as possible. I will journal if journaling is good for me. Listen to mindfulness practices. Will see what is. I have no plans and no expectations. I have photos to put into albums (I’ll probably be looking through my phone to help with that). A friend will be coming over tomorrow probably when her husband has a chavruta with my neighbour. I may go over to a different friends house depending on how I feel. I’ve been dizzy ish and she’s 10 minutes walk away. If I’m not at all dizzy, maybe.

Going to leave off with what R’ R said about shofar. That there is the tekiya – wholeness. Shevarim is 3 bits. Teruah is when it’s blown in broken pieces. Then you end with a tekiya, a long blow. You rebuild. Put the pieces together.

In the last few months I’ve pretty literally shattered a lot of my world into pieces. I never thought I’d find myself living with such self destruction. Yet I have been. Yet I’m still here. I wouldn’t say I’ve come through to the other side. Because my actions are still self destructive. But it’s not in the same way it was. And I guess the message is one of hope. Of rebuilding.

This time of year in Judaism is meant to be one of connection. I’ve been working on tuning into the consciousness of the world and my inner consciousness. Will I reflect on it over the jewish new year? Probably not. Not consciously or intentionally. I think way too much as it is. And I guess we’ll actually find out.

I wrote the following for a friend.

Happy new year! May this year bring sunshine and sparkles. Thank you for joining me on this journey… and in some sense I’m looking forward to see where this path will lead (the AND. I’m dreading it and really looking forward).

BDE

Baruch dayan ha-emet. Blessed is a judge of truth. Funny how I’m okay with the Hebrew words, and appreciate the meaning and depth of them when I hate the culture I grew up in and don’t count myself as religious at all.

Blessed. As in honoured. As in known. There is truth and justice. The source and energy behind the world knew that the energy of my uncle was better off not in the world that we see. The energy is there. My uncles energy is still here. His consciousness. Not his body. Now more connected to the energy of infinity.
It doesn’t hurt because it hurts (too much for it to hurt just yet). There is just nothing to say. Nothing to write. So I’m not going to try. It’s just being. With completely not knowing what to do with myself.

My father will be sitting for a week. A few months ago he did for his eldest sister. I miss Aunt B. It hurts to see her number on my phone. I want to live in their honour. And I don’t want my father to have to sit a third time.

I never knew Uncle A. In a sense I’m actually grateful for that. I knew his daughters a tad but not much.

BDE. There is truth. There is justice. We’re living connected to a source and part of it. That’s what those words mean to me.

Laters.

Letting go

When I was sitting thinking for an hour I realised that I have to let go of all the negativity towards a source, all the anger and resentment I feel. The only person it hurts is me. It doesn’t serve me. Being hurt with people doesn’t help me. Or bring me the knowledge and connection I want, crave, and need. The only way to get it is to let go. Which is when I wrote this song – at the end of an hour sitting on a table in a park with nothing but my unopened journal.


I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go)


They hurt me

They did their best

They hurt me

They made a mess


I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go)


I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go)


Carrying this pain around

Drags me down, down, down

Carrying it with me

Stops me going to town, town, town


I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go go go go go)


I need to let it go


They tried

They acted on their beliefs

They tried

They didn’t care about me


I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go)


One day, one day

They may, or may not know

One day, one day

They may, or may not

Find a better way


I need to let it go,

Let it go

Let it go, let it go (let it go)


Let it go

So that I can be free

Let it go

So that I can be me

Let it go

So I will just be

Let it go


I need to let it go, let it go

Let it go, let it go

Let it go, let it go


Let. It. Go


One day. One day. One day.


Let. It. Go.


I need to let it go, let it go

Let it go, let it go

Let it go (let it go).

Fitting in vs Belonging (Brene Brown)

It’s difficult for me to imagine now, but at one time, I had an unreasonable aversion to reading anything written by author Brene Brown. I don’t know how it began. Actually, I do. A friend suggested I read a book written by Ms. Brown. I thought said friend was subtly suggesting I needed to work […]

Three Cheers For True Belonging

This post explains the difference between fitting in and belonging. It reminds me of the culture I grew up in.

I don’t think that is what Judaism is. There are cultures within Judaism that aren’t as right wing. In the culture I grew up in, you have a dress a certain way, talk a certain way… that doesn’t take away any of the beauty. I know if I leave Judaism any of the ‘friends’ from the school I went to wouldn’t be my friends.

It isn’t Judaism. I work with some people where individuality is celebrated. It’s the culture’s and sub cultures in Judaism. And this post just highlights what exactly bothers me so much about the culture I grew up in. The cult within the culture.

They think connection is just through rules…

I feel like I can’t breathe. And I don’t want to distract from it coz it feels like a good thing that I can feel. So much anger and resentment around Judaism. And, I’ve always been wanting to feel. To feel anything. So in some sense this is w good thing. It’s just the worst timing for I can’t ask anyone for help dealing with it. And it feels like too much.

I feel such hatred towards those who talk about judaism. And yet I also can’t stand people putting ultra orthodoxy down when what they’re saying just isn’t true.

I wish I could cry. And I’m just feeling so alone.

Will writing help me let it go?

They think it’s rules.

How long your hair is

How long your skirt is

When you should talk 

When you should be quiet

They’re missing out on the love

They think you can’t ask

Because they don’t know the answers

Do what us said

Just don’t think

They’re missing out on understanding (and knowledge in actuality underpins Judaism).

They think you shouldn’t be

Just follow the path

They think it’s black and white

All colour is wrong 

They’re missing out on the colours!

They taught me I was wrong

When I was right

They took away my trust

They took away my faith

They’re missing out on innocence 

They think there’s only one path

Don’t stray, don’t deviate

They can’t see any possibility 

If any other way

They’re missing out on choice

They think people who leave

Myst be hurting ir hurt

Never seeing that they

May have pushed them there

They’re missing out on love

They use words

Don’t understand what they mean

They think if you follow the meaning without the words

You’re bound for hell

They’re missing out on freedom

Why do I let

Their beliefs hurt me

Let them think I’m going to help

Let them care not about me but only about religion

Let them.live their life of narrowness

A life of words without knowledge

They take a path that was meant to help you connect and break away from the source they’re heading to following just the boundaries not knowing which boundaries are real and which aren’t. 

I wish I could let it go

Pity them instead

For living within confines

Without truth, connection or reality.

Some live with the truth

Just don’t believe there could be another way

Just coz to me it’s a prison

Doesn’t mean it isn’t freedom for them

Because it hurt me

Doesn’t make it hurt them

Their path can be different to mine

Just as I wish they’d be able to accept mine

I have to accept and appreciate theirs

Even if they hurt me.

What is Two Way Prayer?

Two way prayer. There are a couple of sites you can read about it on. Shira writes about it which is where I first read it. There is a two way prayer site which is also a great place to look.


Two way prayer basically means tuning into a source and letting that source speak to you, through you.

The site recommends setting your intention and writing whatever you think about that for 5 minutes. They suggest writing and tuning in to a source. Which is one easy to go about it. My understanding slightly differs.

When I first did this what I noticed was that whatever I wrote was eerily similar to anything I would write in the letters I write to myself. Thinking about it, that makes a lot of sense. The purpose of two way prayer is tuning into a consciousness and letting that consciousness speak to you. When I write to myself I’m writing from my inner conversation. I tune into a part of myself that is compassionate, loving and wise. I tune into something I never knew existed.

The entire world is energy. The consciousness of the world, and my consciousness, are in reality the same thing. So it makes sense to me that if I set an intention and write about it, the writing would be similar to the letters I write to myself.

The way I view two way prayer however, isn’t that I have to write. Rather, tune in. And see what will be. The first time I did this was on Wednesday- a few days ago – which is when I wrote my song about letting go. I sat in the park for an hour. I set my intention. And I decided to start this blog. I understood what I had to let go of. And why. Since then I’ve been able to define it, and I understand now why people have told me it’d be better not to live at home. I understand why my sister had to leave Judaism – throwing put the bathwater meant throwing out all the accumulated debris within it without sorting through it to see if there were any diamonds she wanted to keep. Tuning in, after setting an intention, actually gave me dome answers.

That’s what I see two way prayer looking like. Setting a goal/thought to focus on, and then just tuning in to the source. My best place to do this would be in nature. If it weren’t outside then journaling for 5 minutes is what I would do for I wouldn’t be able to focus.

What do you think of two way prayer? What would it look like to you?

I hope to try it for the recommended 30 days. I don’t know about shabbat or such. Tomorrow will be day 6.

Love, light, and glitter

Journey to infinity – why did I choose this title?

I don’t know if I’m crazy starting another site. I see it more as a journal, conversation, and we will see if it happens.

I’ve titled this journey to infinity. I’ve chosen the title because I view the world as having a source. A source that is infinite. I don’t know much about this source but I want to connect. I know that this consciousness, energy, is what lies beneath the world. The energy of the world keeping the world and us alive. The energy that is there always. The inner consciousness and connection.

I view this site as my way of getting there. I was sitting in the park on Tuesday. I thinking it was Tuesday. I sat there for an hour with my journal but didn’t journal for most of the time. I was trying to connect to this source and ask the source how I can connect. That is when I came up with the idea to start this site as a space that I can put down what I think and let it go.

Journey to infinity. That is what I want. To connect to the infinite. I don’t know how I will connect. I know that in this bath (referencing my first post) there is the infinite. I don’t know if it involves Judaism and in what way it does or doesn’t. Yet maybe that’s not the point. The point being the connection. The point being the journey. The journey to the infinite.

I don’t actually want to be on this journey. I rather just be there. I rather just know and live with the connection. But as I wrote here maybe the journey is the destination. So here goes. To the infinite. To the journey. To getting there. To all that comes along.

The background?

I want this space. This space to write and be. I’ve been thinking of starting this site for a few days and for now it’s just me here. I dream of a conversation.

I need the space, place, to work through what I believe.

I was brought up with Judaism. And I’m feeling trapped. I never worked through what I believe yet about Judaism. I have about the world. About a source. About infinity. And I doubt it a lot for a lot of my sources are Jewish.

I feel like the oft quoted quote is quite apt

Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater

Except that here I don’t know if there is a baby. I see something in all the bathwater. I don’t know if it is dust and debris. Or if there is a baby. The only way to know is to get rid of the bathwater. To let go of all the gunk.

Holding onto the gunk hurts me and no one else. My father has changed a lot in the past few years. It makes me wonder whether what I think I was raised with is true. For he isn’t like that anymore.

I’m hoping that by writing out what I think I’ll be able to let it go. And learn what is beneath.

Love, light, and glitter

E