Infinity, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Intention: There are so many pictures, associations, memories around people and periods of time that are negative, just make me sad to think about, and have played a large part in all I have to let go of to be able to look at judaism and see whether it itself is something I want in my life. I don’t know whether it’s helpful or anything but to think about it. Or how to let it all go.
E, there are 2 kinds of thinking about things. There’s processing so you can move on, then there’s wallowing, hurting for no reason, when thinking about it hurts and won’t help you at all. If you write about it, it’s good for you, you can always stop if it’s not, otherwise remembering just hurts.
How do you let it all go? You don’t need to let it all go before moving on. The letting go is letting go of the pain. Letting go of what Judaism did to your life. Letting go and separating Judaism from the people and circumstances. It’s not Judaism itself that hurt you. Judaism is philosophy. It’s people who misuse and create a religion and culture that in many ways can contravene Judaism itself. It’s people who see it as a box that has to be made smaller and smaller.
Letting go isn’t easy. There’s 2 different things that have to happen here. You have to process what hurt you. Even as you think nothing really happened so you shouldn’t have been hurt. You have to process and accept your experiences for what they were. You’ve never expressed how much you hated seminary. There’s the point. That being a misfit and outcast has nothing to do with religion. And you have to separate the two. You have to separate Judaism from the religious institutions you attended. You have to separate Judaism from your experiences with religion, and with a culture that felt very cult like.
As you know, it works for some people. Because it’s wrong for you doesn’t make it wrong for them. It’s wrong for them to think you are wrong if you don’t live exactly the way they do. It’s not wrong for them to feel the way they do.
Life is a journey. It’s not going to be easy to let it go. First you’ll have to experience it and process it. And you don’t necessarily have to do that now. You can see what you can separate first.
You’re not alone. You can always tune in to reality. You can appreciate the good things. Enjoy the time – which you are doing. Just breathe. Just be.
Also, accept your experiences as your reality. Don’t judge yourself for hurting over what you think shouldn’t hurt. Don’t think about it. Just be with it. Let whatever arises come, whatever doesn’t stay away. Just because you think it shouldn’t make a difference, you’re okay if it does. You wouldn’t judge someone else’s experiences. You would tell them that whatever they felt was what went on for them. Give yourself the same courtesy. Give yourself the same respect and love. You deserve it.
Whatever will be, will be. Trust yourself. You know and have all the answers within yourself.
You are loved.