Yom Kippur – Day Of Atonement

Yom kippur. It’s Yom Kippur tomorrow night.

A few months ago I realised that I wanted to leave home to be able to live without the culture I grew up in. When I cut off emotionally from religion, wrong words, when I made that choice, that I wasn’t living with religion, my relationship with Judaism has in turn shifted. I never worked through what I believed about Judaism – as in whether it’s true or not, because there is way too much emotion tied in. Way too much pain, hurt, and anger. I knew, know, I have to leave this culture. Choosing to leave the culture, even though at the moment I don’t see a way to physically leave, has given me space to see Judaism without ‘religion’.

What I grew up with, although there really is and was so much beauty, isn’t Judaism.

A friend came over today and told me she was upset she couldn’t fast on Yom Kippur. She really will be fasting. She will be eating a few morsels of food in order to take steroids. it made me want to scream. That she felt she wasn’t celebrating the day. So I gave her the jewish view. The jewish view with Hebrew explanations even though I keep away as much as possible from Hebrew.

Yom kippur is a day of – what does it mean? I asked her what the day is about. It’s about teshuvah (translated incorrectly as repentance). Teshuvah comes from the root word shiv, which means to return. To return where? To return to what? To return to yourself.

Mitzvah – mostly translated as commandments – comes from the root word tzav, connection.

First sharing the images I uploaded before beginning to write this.

Day of Atonement- Cultural religious view: Repentance, guilt, forgiveness, more guilt, commitment, more guilt. Jewish view – teshuvah – shuv – return. Return to what? To yourself. To who you really are. To the source.

Return.

What is this world? This world is finite amongst infinity. The finite means that it has to be a reflection of infinity. So if you are believing that Judaism is truth, then what you are saying is that the infinite has put down some facts about infinity, and tells the finite what the infinite is. So following what the infinite is makes you infinite. Or in god words (I just hate the word god because it has religious connotations), god is saying this is what makes you god like. So the rules of Judaism, if judaism is true, is what god says is the way to connect. So about fasting. God says fasting on yom kippur will bring you connection to me. So when my friend can’t fast in the usual way since she has to eat with the steroids (that she’s taking die to covid after effect complications), she is connecting to god through eating.

Which is what I basically said to her.

And it makes me so frustrated when jewish people look at the world through the lens of religion, rather than the lens of judaism.

So it’s Yom Kippur tomorrow night.

No, I’m not fasting. I wouldn’t be fasting either way as fasting would be one of the worst things possible for me. I don’t care about the religious aspect. The word religion bothers me so much. So move on because that isn’t for now.

Yom Kippur. I’m Jewish. Whether I do or don’t believe the bible to be Truth, I’m Jewish. What does this day mean to me? What will this day mean to me?

I doubt I’ll be writing about it on YK, which is in however many hours time, so the time is now. To decide what it means to me. To understand what it means to me.

Yom Kippur. I think it’s just about connection. Not through anything. Just through existing. Every moment of choosing life is choosing choice, is choosing a source, is choosing connection, is choosing to be. Every moment of living through Yom Kippur is a choice to connect to infinity.

Yom Kippur. Kippur means cleansing. Which really means going from one place to another.

So in many ways, what Yom Kippur really is is choosing life. I know not for others. But talking about for myself here.

Something I was thinking. I don’t pray. I don’t believe in ‘prayer’ in the typical sense. Were I to pray, I’d definitely pray for death. If I’d believe in Judaism then there is no point in me doing anything to end it. For if I’m meant to live, I will survive anything I do. If I’m not meant to, I won’t either way. Which I don’t think I mind.

Yom Kippur. I think the day is one of choosing life.

RH thoughts. Happy new year…

I wanted to journal. But I’m on my phone. And this will happen more likely…

It’s rosh hashanah – the head, start, of the year. It’s the jewish new year tonight.

I wrote myself a letter. Which I planned on typing out.

This blog is not anonymous, so why am I sharing this? I wrote a list of where I want to be in a year. And what has changed this past year.

I didn’t write any practical things. For example I want to be studying in a year. And for example I am destroying myself. I wanted it all to be doable. It’s non comprehensive.

I don’t know what I wrote on here about my thoughts about Judaism.

A few months ago I realised I had to move out of home. That I’m living in a culture that harms me to live with. It’s a religion. It’s about rules. That has harmed me. Since then though, I’ve disconnected from the religion. Which means I can see Judaism for what it is. I don’t honestly care either way where I’ll land up with Judaism. It’s one of the areas of my life that I’m living with acceptance of where I’m at and curiosity of where I will land up. I don’t know what I believe and I don’t need to know. Wrong. I know what I believe. I don’t know whether I think Judaism is true and it’s not on my radar. I’m seeing so much beauty. So much gorgeousness. Someone replied to my BDE post – very religious. I laughed in my head. It’s not religious. It’s jewish. Judaism and religion are 2 such different things. It’s as I once wrote about the cult within the culture. It’s a post I passworded because I didn’t want to be spreading so much negativity. I grew up in a cult like culture. And the more I see of the world, the more I see that it’s within almost every culture. Which makes me so sad. Religion to me is synonymous with the cult like culture.

I hate hate hate all the negativity. It saddens me. When my friends beat themselves up. Even look at the hebrew words. TeShuva. The return. The connection. It’s not about repentance. It’s about connection. It’s not about guilt. There’s the AND I’ve been talking about a lot as I try to live with and apply it. Knowing and accepting where I am. Wanting and moving towards something different. I don’t mean don’t feel bad about it. But not ashamed. Not the core essence guilt.

When I have sat in religious classes with my student I wanted to get up and scream. Stop teaching the girls that! There is no reason for shame. Love. Connect. Grow. Be.

This is none of my thoughts. I don’t really know what thoughts I have. I overthink everything but I don’t actually feel anything much either way towards Rosh hashanah. It’s not a time I’m connecting with. I know I am because I wrote up those lists. I see it aa a new year. I see it as a new chapter. There’s not much emotional involvement. I think those are good words to describe it.

Planned on writing more but it’s RH now. And I plan on ‘keeping’ to the ‘rules’ in my way. Staying off my phone as much as possible. I will journal if journaling is good for me. Listen to mindfulness practices. Will see what is. I have no plans and no expectations. I have photos to put into albums (I’ll probably be looking through my phone to help with that). A friend will be coming over tomorrow probably when her husband has a chavruta with my neighbour. I may go over to a different friends house depending on how I feel. I’ve been dizzy ish and she’s 10 minutes walk away. If I’m not at all dizzy, maybe.

Going to leave off with what R’ R said about shofar. That there is the tekiya – wholeness. Shevarim is 3 bits. Teruah is when it’s blown in broken pieces. Then you end with a tekiya, a long blow. You rebuild. Put the pieces together.

In the last few months I’ve pretty literally shattered a lot of my world into pieces. I never thought I’d find myself living with such self destruction. Yet I have been. Yet I’m still here. I wouldn’t say I’ve come through to the other side. Because my actions are still self destructive. But it’s not in the same way it was. And I guess the message is one of hope. Of rebuilding.

This time of year in Judaism is meant to be one of connection. I’ve been working on tuning into the consciousness of the world and my inner consciousness. Will I reflect on it over the jewish new year? Probably not. Not consciously or intentionally. I think way too much as it is. And I guess we’ll actually find out.

I wrote the following for a friend.

Happy new year! May this year bring sunshine and sparkles. Thank you for joining me on this journey… and in some sense I’m looking forward to see where this path will lead (the AND. I’m dreading it and really looking forward).

BDE

Baruch dayan ha-emet. Blessed is a judge of truth. Funny how I’m okay with the Hebrew words, and appreciate the meaning and depth of them when I hate the culture I grew up in and don’t count myself as religious at all.

Blessed. As in honoured. As in known. There is truth and justice. The source and energy behind the world knew that the energy of my uncle was better off not in the world that we see. The energy is there. My uncles energy is still here. His consciousness. Not his body. Now more connected to the energy of infinity.
It doesn’t hurt because it hurts (too much for it to hurt just yet). There is just nothing to say. Nothing to write. So I’m not going to try. It’s just being. With completely not knowing what to do with myself.

My father will be sitting for a week. A few months ago he did for his eldest sister. I miss Aunt B. It hurts to see her number on my phone. I want to live in their honour. And I don’t want my father to have to sit a third time.

I never knew Uncle A. In a sense I’m actually grateful for that. I knew his daughters a tad but not much.

BDE. There is truth. There is justice. We’re living connected to a source and part of it. That’s what those words mean to me.

Laters.