RH thoughts. Happy new year…

I wanted to journal. But I’m on my phone. And this will happen more likely…

It’s rosh hashanah – the head, start, of the year. It’s the jewish new year tonight.

I wrote myself a letter. Which I planned on typing out.

This blog is not anonymous, so why am I sharing this? I wrote a list of where I want to be in a year. And what has changed this past year.

I didn’t write any practical things. For example I want to be studying in a year. And for example I am destroying myself. I wanted it all to be doable. It’s non comprehensive.

I don’t know what I wrote on here about my thoughts about Judaism.

A few months ago I realised I had to move out of home. That I’m living in a culture that harms me to live with. It’s a religion. It’s about rules. That has harmed me. Since then though, I’ve disconnected from the religion. Which means I can see Judaism for what it is. I don’t honestly care either way where I’ll land up with Judaism. It’s one of the areas of my life that I’m living with acceptance of where I’m at and curiosity of where I will land up. I don’t know what I believe and I don’t need to know. Wrong. I know what I believe. I don’t know whether I think Judaism is true and it’s not on my radar. I’m seeing so much beauty. So much gorgeousness. Someone replied to my BDE post – very religious. I laughed in my head. It’s not religious. It’s jewish. Judaism and religion are 2 such different things. It’s as I once wrote about the cult within the culture. It’s a post I passworded because I didn’t want to be spreading so much negativity. I grew up in a cult like culture. And the more I see of the world, the more I see that it’s within almost every culture. Which makes me so sad. Religion to me is synonymous with the cult like culture.

I hate hate hate all the negativity. It saddens me. When my friends beat themselves up. Even look at the hebrew words. TeShuva. The return. The connection. It’s not about repentance. It’s about connection. It’s not about guilt. There’s the AND I’ve been talking about a lot as I try to live with and apply it. Knowing and accepting where I am. Wanting and moving towards something different. I don’t mean don’t feel bad about it. But not ashamed. Not the core essence guilt.

When I have sat in religious classes with my student I wanted to get up and scream. Stop teaching the girls that! There is no reason for shame. Love. Connect. Grow. Be.

This is none of my thoughts. I don’t really know what thoughts I have. I overthink everything but I don’t actually feel anything much either way towards Rosh hashanah. It’s not a time I’m connecting with. I know I am because I wrote up those lists. I see it aa a new year. I see it as a new chapter. There’s not much emotional involvement. I think those are good words to describe it.

Planned on writing more but it’s RH now. And I plan on ‘keeping’ to the ‘rules’ in my way. Staying off my phone as much as possible. I will journal if journaling is good for me. Listen to mindfulness practices. Will see what is. I have no plans and no expectations. I have photos to put into albums (I’ll probably be looking through my phone to help with that). A friend will be coming over tomorrow probably when her husband has a chavruta with my neighbour. I may go over to a different friends house depending on how I feel. I’ve been dizzy ish and she’s 10 minutes walk away. If I’m not at all dizzy, maybe.

Going to leave off with what R’ R said about shofar. That there is the tekiya – wholeness. Shevarim is 3 bits. Teruah is when it’s blown in broken pieces. Then you end with a tekiya, a long blow. You rebuild. Put the pieces together.

In the last few months I’ve pretty literally shattered a lot of my world into pieces. I never thought I’d find myself living with such self destruction. Yet I have been. Yet I’m still here. I wouldn’t say I’ve come through to the other side. Because my actions are still self destructive. But it’s not in the same way it was. And I guess the message is one of hope. Of rebuilding.

This time of year in Judaism is meant to be one of connection. I’ve been working on tuning into the consciousness of the world and my inner consciousness. Will I reflect on it over the jewish new year? Probably not. Not consciously or intentionally. I think way too much as it is. And I guess we’ll actually find out.

I wrote the following for a friend.

Happy new year! May this year bring sunshine and sparkles. Thank you for joining me on this journey… and in some sense I’m looking forward to see where this path will lead (the AND. I’m dreading it and really looking forward).

One thought on “RH thoughts. Happy new year…

  1. happy new year!
    those past accomplishments are A W E S O M E!!!
    y’know what- you really are right. religion and Judaism are different. and seeing the beauty despite its flaws is something remarkable, E.
    aren’t all things beautiful from a distance?
    just a thought.

    love always,
    [gotw}

    Like

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